Jones Story #1

"Jones Stories." We've all got them. Stories of things Jim Jones has done over the years that defy the law, reason, logic, and nature. This is my favorite Jones story.

So, back in these days, neither Jones or I had a car. I got around on my ten-speed and Jones had a go-cart. It was a ratty thing, held together with duct tape and spot welds, but it ran. For a while anyway.

One day at school, Jones comes to me and says, "You'll never guess what I got? A 50cc cement mixer engine!" Well, that was pretty typical Jones. He was kind of compulsive that way. He would take stuff just for the sake of taking it. But, he had bigger plans this time. He was going to mount it on the go-cart.

It was a very jerry-rigged affair - the throttle was just a string that he pulled to accelerate. I don't even remember how he mounted it on the frame, since the engine was far to big to fit in a space designed for a Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine.

The big test run was to be held in the school's parking lot on a Saturday. I rode over on the back of Pissant's Honda 350 and Jones rode up the back streets on the go-cart - slowly so as not to attract to much attention.

It seems that it ran kind of slow at first. I don't know if it was the combined weight of Jones and the engine or what, but with a little monkeying around with the governor, he had the engine roaring. This would be the big test. Jones got in, revved the engine and took off. He was flying! We couldn't believe the speed he was now getting. The cart ran great.

Well… it ran great until he tried to turn. At that point, two things happened. The first being that the tires dug in to the asphalt. The second being that the engine, which sat up rather high and weighed in the neighborhood of a hundred pounds, decided to follow that law of physics that has to do with and object in motion. While Jones wanted to turn left, the engine didn't, and when he cranked the wheel, the engine mounts ripped free, the engine skidding along for a few feet before coming to a rest, sputtering then dying. The cart along with its driver turned on its side. Jones was thrilled. This had gone much better than he had planned.

Well, the welds were hopelessly ripped so there was no putting the engine back on. The frame wasn't in the best of shape either. But, Jones wasn't through. Not by a long shot.

We got a piece of rope and Pissant towed Jones and the cart up Deer Trail. For those not familiar with this street, it is one of the steepest roads in town—with a couple of hairy switch-backs—nestled in a canyon in the mountains. It's got something like an 80-degree incline (at least in my memory it does). The road runs down about fifty or sixty yards and then you can either go up another hill, or turn left down another (slightly less steep) hill for about 20 yards and then turn right onto a reasonable hill that was about a quarter-mile long.KJones' plan was to ride the go-cart down this hill.

Now, in theory he could have done it and ridden for miles. In theory he could have.

Pissant and I watched as Jones nudged the cart to get it going. We laughed as it rapidly picked up speed. Gasped as he made the first left turn without slowing. Some tall weeds growing along the roadside obscured our view. When we heard the rattling scraping sound and a car horn, we jumped on the Honda and slowly rolled down the hill. Jones had apparently made the second turn, and as we came around it we saw him lying there in the middle of the road. The cart a good ten yards beyond, lying upside down.

"I would have made it," Jones said as he stood up, slightly scraped and bruised, "But a car was coming up the hill and when I swerved to avoid it, I rolled."

That he hadn't done more damage to himself was a miracle; I believe he had suffered some severe brain damage. "Tow me back up again!" he said. Fortunately for him, the cart had suffered enough damage that this feat would have to wait for another day.

Jones is still alive and kicking out there somewhere. I'd like to think that along the way he's learned a few lessons and is taking care of himself. But, I'm sure even now he's planning some way to top that ride.