The Moonpie Chronicles: 2009-07-19

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Just to drive to church on Sunday.....

I'm not sure why, but I feel very compelled to drive this car.

From: This Isn't Happiness

Ex-wives. No 30 in a series.

Mauritania, shown here, was ex-wife number 30. I only married her for her chopper. I knew it was doomed when, after the ceremony, she made me ride on the p-pad.

The things we do for love.

This only goes to prove my point about backwards-hat-wearers

Thanks to Fail BLog

Friday, July 24, 2009

Supposedly Fun Things We'll Never Do Again

A new feature here on Moonpie, "Supposedly Fun Things We'll Never Do Again" features reminiscenses of things that seemed like a good idea at the time.

Here, at a swanky party at a downtown hotel, Vance and I thought it would be a good idea to get dressed up and crash the party and drink something called Rum-Pill Stiltkins. It was Bacardi 151 mixed with a barbiturate slurry.

Afterward, we were told, we participated in a game which involved falling into the elevator shaft.

Ex-wives. No 26 in a series.

At first it was like a dream come true. I'm thinking, "Hey! Free kielbasa and a hot babe. What more could you ask for?"

But, Zion, bless her heart, turned out to be shy and refused to undress for me. Wouldn't give up a single link, even on our wedding night.

It was a hot summer, and it wasn't long before her bratwurst bridal gown began to turn putrify and even the dog wouldn't sleep in the same bed.

Funny how life goes.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Hijinks, down home style

Rick was totally content hiking, swimming and meeting the family until...

Seems there is a tradition in Arkansas to take the "new feller" for a spin. This involves getting into a Agri-Farm wagon (without any protective gear) and then be taken at breakneck speed around the barn until you fall out or the tattooed cousin crashes into something solid. Rick lost his straw hat and made doo-doo in his pants. This event was televised around the world with the families new broadcast satellite.

Family? Oh well....

These are the brothers, (no shit), Robalt. Ya just never know what you'll find under a rock.

But talent was not absent in Arkansas. This bare foot trio just signed a 8-week, $450.00 deal to preform at the local 'tater' digging festival.

And cousin Tina, well....her new boyfriend is just an ass. We all take family in stride when it comes time to meet them. You just never know what to expect. Usually everything turns out alright in the end.

Arkansas, Land of a million mullets

The mullet is a tried and true statement of 'the south'. Nipple rings came along in the last 20 years. But I digress. Ricks main purpose for travelling the Arkansas was to do research for two new movie remakes that Rick has just bought the rights to.

The movie scripts are part of a larger project that Rick is hoping will take off in the summer of 2011. Rick would spend hours telling me how he felt the 70's movies never really captured the 'true essence' of the south. Good luck Rick.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Don't try this at home

I can guarantee you that neither Vance nor I ever posed for a photo like this. THe reasons are multiple, but primarily because we would have had to blow our fucking brains across the wall for participating in anything so gawdawfully gaytarded as this.

No man -- NO MAN -- should ever under any circumstances willingly or unwillingly post for a photo dressed as a goddamned papa bear.

Jesus.

Photos from my trip to Arkansas

This first one is of Ozark Family Fun Land, where several of the Missus's kin work (Shown here.)

This here is an intimate family portrait with the Missus on the left, along with her twin brothers Eleanor and Ebert.

Here's another family portrait. (Back l to r) Leopold, Ma, Cletus (Front l to r) Hebert, Josalinda, Jefferson Kay

A shot from the beach as we took a dip in the famous Ozark Monkey Springs. Very refreshing and not a bit as wierd as you might imagine.

Today I Feel.....

And I'm not sure why since this photo was taken at least three days ago....

But I'm back from Arkansas and I see Vance has put up a few interesting posts to which I will try to respond in the next few days

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