Ex-Wife number 103 and 113.V

Vance and I were both  married to Mary-Lou at various/simultaneous times. It was the cost of the giant Q-Tips and immense gynecological bills that ended both marriages.  Whatcha gonna do though. Right?

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After the politics.....there are ex-wives

After a long week of political turmoil, we turn our attention to ex-wives. Ex -wife #14 looked NOTHING like this photo and never will. As a matter of fact, Moonpies ex-wife series never had an ex that was built like this. (Proof that she was an ex, see ring in photo), photos prove EVERYTHING is TRUE! Have a great week and see ya on the weekend. Wow, nice boobs!

Ex-wives No. 102 / America's Got Talent

Penelope was one of the more talented of my ex-wives. She's just showing off here -- With cuffs on she could also roll a J, bathe the dog, and bake an apple-brown-betty that would knock your socks off! Unfortunately, the cuffs were rarely just the result of some kinky fun and more often had been applied by Officer Dougie of the RCMP.
Image from this isn't happiness™ (America’s got talent, TTCT)

Ex-Wives (A real one!)

In an old box of old photos (The box was from a pair of Puma running shoes! How old is that?!)from my dad, I came across this photo of me and my first wife, Gayle. I think we had this taken while we still lived near Tacoma, but it may have been someplace in New Mexico. I must have been relatively fresh out of the Army, though long enough to have grown the beard-- which took a while to do in those days. Unless she actually worked in a brothel, and I was a riverboat gambler, this is probably circa 1983.

I'm not sure why my dad had it, but I'm kind of glad he did.

Some day I'll tell the story of the first "date" Gayle and I had.

the olden days

Here's a couple of snaps from back in 83 or 84, not long after my first wife, Gayle, and I had moved to Albuquerque from Tacoma.
I weighed in at 180lbs here and I think I thought I was a lardass. Oh to be that lardass again.

Note the "Bourbon Bros. Disco Sucks" jersey I'm sporting. The Bourbon Bros. were a band that played the Chelsea street Pub circuit back in the 1980s. Many a night was consciousness lost listening to the band play Led Zeppelin on a banjo and drinking cocktails we won for being the most obnoxiously loud people in the place.

Ex-Wives #82

I met Peggy Sue at the same store I was working as a Santa's Helper.


see more Sketchy Santas

She seemed like a nice girl and was mostly armless. She had that winning smile and those coquettish eyes. And talk about a a fashion plate! Gosh! She bought all her clothes where we worked. But she was a little pigeon-toed and wore orthopedic shoes when she wore them at all. (She was a simple country girl who'd grown up in a little holler near the Hanford Nuclear Plant). Nonetheless, if she'd had a flat head we'd still be married. Well, we'd still be married if it hadn't have been for those meddling kids and their magic mushrooms!!

Ex-Wives #58

Vance's marriage to Vanessa didn't last too long.
Not because of any drug use, on her part, but just because she had a tendency to go deep-sea diving in the living room carpet -- and she could hold her breath for a long time! Sometimes she wouldn't resurface for days, and there she'd be, wedged between the fridge and the kitchen counter.

The thing that is unclear in this video is why she suddenly decides to pull the bathing suit out of her ass after all that time.

Ex-Wives #35

Shots from our wedding and subsequent reception. I mean, really, do I need to spell out why this one didn't last?

ex-wife #13

I don't remember what attracted me to Terri, but maybe it was the fact that she always had cigarettes. She rarely wore shirts, preferring to sport a bra only which worked well in the Maryland heat. But after she chopped the roof off my work truck, I called it quits.

Ex-wife #8

Oh sure, she looked alright but the clothes don't make the woman. The hair was a wig, the glasses were from the Elton John collection and cost $12,000 and she had the outfit tattooed on her body. She took the curtains from the kitchen window and had them surgically attached to her knees. And, on top of all that, she never let me wear my "Plum Crazy Purple" stacks after she found out we had the same shoe size. Bitch!

ExWife #33.5

Anastasia Tinkerbelle Feinsteingold would have been my 34th wife. She was smart, funny, charming, gracious, rich, compassionate and forgiving. All the things you want in a wife. The only problem is that this is a photo of her walking down the aisle at our wedding at the chapel of Love in Las Vegas. The drunk Elvis impersonator who was officiating saw her coming and refused to let me go through with it.

Ex-wives. No 30 in a series.

Mauritania, shown here, was ex-wife number 30. I only married her for her chopper. I knew it was doomed when, after the ceremony, she made me ride on the p-pad.

The things we do for love.

Ex-wives. No 26 in a series.

At first it was like a dream come true. I'm thinking, "Hey! Free kielbasa and a hot babe. What more could you ask for?"

But, Zion, bless her heart, turned out to be shy and refused to undress for me. Wouldn't give up a single link, even on our wedding night.

It was a hot summer, and it wasn't long before her bratwurst bridal gown began to turn putrify and even the dog wouldn't sleep in the same bed.

Funny how life goes.

Survey says.....

This here was Rhonda Sue; ex-wife number 19. Reasons why it didn't work out? She had seven of those black bathing suits -- one for every day of the week -- and nothing else. This was what she wore to go swimming, to sleep in, to go to the grocery store,to go to work, to go to a dinner party. It was a bit eerie. That and the fact that she carried an M1 Rifle (with fixed bayonet!) everywhere she went. A former member of the ROTC Drill Team, she had incredibly strong arms and was able to hold the rifle straight out, by the bayonet mount, with just two fingers.

One day, while practicing in the yard, she snagged the trigger of the rifle on a tree branch and... well, that's the third reason it didn't work out.

Wives we've had...

I still lived in Memphis when I married Gretchen after 8th grade. She never cooked or cleaned or nothin'. I left right after I got the chaulks out from the wheels of our house and I hauled ass. We were married about 7 days.

Wives we've had

This was my 17th wife a mere 13 minutes after we said "I do." This was a short-lived marriage, lasting roughly a half hour. The cops came and that was all she wrote.

Rick's cars #3: The Chevy Panel Truck UPDATE

Here it is. I'll scan this later for a cleaner image -- This is just a photo of a photo.

This was shot out in the forest near Steilacoom, Washington, where Gayle and I were living at the time. The truck was great for going out on the old forest roads -- it was nearly indestructible. We had a couple of chaise lounges in the back for relaxing and we spent a lot of time out in the woods.

You can see the lettering I did on the side. I'd forgotten that I'd also written "East Bhumphuk, Egypt" on the door. That one always got grins at the stoplights.

Something cool to note is that little triangle near the mirror on the door. That was called a "smoker's window." It swiveled open to allow ventilation in the car, or to let out smoke. (Some folks calls it 'Oklahoma Air-conditioning' but I calls it a Sling Blade. MMmhhmmm.) They used to be on all cars, and I can't, for the life of me figure out why they ever got rid of them. I haven't even smoked in 6 years and I still miss them. You could drive in the rain with that thing cracked and not get wet. No chance of that now. Get a clue Detroit! (steps down off of soap bo.x)

Also visible is the Miller Hi Life pony bottle of which I was so fond back then.

I'm dating this picture in 1981. I'd gotten married in 1980, so I know its after that. But, I'm also wearing my $80 (in 1980 dollars) color-changing Ray-Ban glasses that I bought in Germany. I got in a fight with a guy one afternoon and he punched me in the eye, destroying the glasses, and that can't have been to long after this was taken. It also means I was still working in the Mess Hall as the clerk/shift leader. They weekend I got clocked was right before I got moved back over to the Cavalry Troop as a Squad Leader. Also, I think we switched from Miller to Ranier pretty soon after this.

Fashion of the day: Bib overall painter-pants. The bandanna on the head and the lack of a shirt were purely me.

Mi Carruchas: Numero Dos

After I sold the Impala, I didn’t drive again for three years. In the interim, I’d gone to Germany and back, hitchhiked from Albuquerque to Midland, Ontario. From there went to Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan and re-enlisted and wound up back at Ft. Lewis, Washington.

Labor Day weekend of 1980, my buddy, John M. went AWOL. His girlfriend, Gayle, came by the barracks looking for him. I told her the news and she said, “Oh. Know where I can get some acid?” She had a car, a 1972 Dodge Charger, that had belonged to an old lady. It actually had seatcovers made of that vinyl shit people used to put on their sofas. The car was in mint condition (of course it was only eight years old. She drove us to a party were she thought we might be able to score.

The search was a bust and we wound up at a little bar across the highway from the base gate. We drank there until a little after midnight and then left. I didn’t really feel like going back so I asked if she wanted to drive around. She said she needed gas, so I filled her tank.

“Jesus,” she said when she saw how much I’d put in, “Where to you want to go?”

I thought for half a drunken second and replied, “California?”

My next memory was my pants around my ankles in a truck stop in Oregon, followed by breakfast. Later, in southern Oregon, she said she couldn’t keep her eyes open, and that I should drive. What could I say? I’d just scored with this chick. I wasn’t about to screw it up by saying, “Yeah, I’m 22 but I don’t drive.” So I drove. 4:00 a.m., still half-drunk, tired, and not really knowing what I was doing.

But, drive I did. Gayle asleep on my lap. I drove until my eyes were crossing and I almost got us hit. When we woke up, we traded off, though when we got to the SF Bay Bridge, I was back behind the wheel. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven in San Francisco, (or Portland, Tacoma, Seattle, Vancouver) but it’s pretty damn hilly. What saved me was the fact the car was an automatic, so it didn’t roll back on the hills.

Gayle was sick while we were there, and I wound up doing the rest of the driving on the trip. My point is that this was how I really learned to drive. Trial by fire and all that, eh whot. I drove through Oakland at night, got lost in the country. Drove up the 101, the Pacific Coast Highway, all the way to Oregon, and then up to Tacoma.

Gayle and I got married less than three months later, and the car sort of became mine.

It had some issues. The first was that the driver’s side door didn’t always stay shut. Second was that, one night when I was driving, I was playing around and slipped the car into reverse at about 30mph—effectively eliminating that no-backwards-rolling-when-in-gear safety mechanism. And finally, it had a tendency for the electrical system to totally drain and the car to die, for no reason—generally when it was raining.

I got a call at work one day. Gayle had been driving the car down a winding road. The engine died, the car slid side-ways, the driver’s side door flew open, Gayle fell out, the car launched over an embankment and rolled a hundred yards down. The tow truck driver said it was about the only spot on that entire forested hill where the car could go down without hitting anything.

It was a cool car before I got my mitts on it. I don’t remember what happened to it. I think I sold it to a guy in my unit who fixed it up for a few hundred bucks and it ran like a champ.

Next up on Cars We’ve Owned: The 1970 Chevy S-15 Panel Truck.