Saturday, April 10, 2010

Dip -shit of the Year award goes to...

Funny thing is, this picture was taken just miles from my house in Maryland. This was taken in Waldorf, Maryland after this genius left Home Depot. First of all, I would fire whoever would load and let this idiot leave the Depot.
Background for pic: The two men were on their way home to Annapolis from out of state. The idea struck the driver to pick up his building supplies in a compact car. They left Home Depot and drove about a quarter mile and pulled over in the IHOP parking lot. Leaving the car running with the passenger asleep inside the car, the driver decided he needed to wake up and started jogging around the IHOP. Police showed up and questioned the driver, who appeared to be high on drugs (no shit). Besides the plywood on top of the car, there were 12- 90# bags of concrete in the car and the rear shocks were driven through the body and were sticking into the compartment. The load was removed from the car and the vehicle was towed away. When questioned, the man said, "my wife wanted me to build an addition on the house." After further questioning, it was discovered that the man lived 1 mile from the Home Depot in Annapolis, Maryland which offers delivery of building materials.
WTF?

Don't do drugs, bad things happen...

The mid-80's were not a pretty time for Rick and I. After years drug abuse and smoking, we were not very healthy. Rick had been smoking about 7 packs of smokes a day and my meth use was out of control. We got the strangest looks from people when we would go to the flea market in Albuquerque. Rick would bitch me out for wearing my bike shorts and I would rag on his mullet.

It's 2010 now and thankfully, we got better.

Friday, April 9, 2010

BAT mobil......

If you have ever seen or worse yet, been in this truck....you know that life is getting ready to suck. This is the 2010 model of a the 'van' that I was in years ago. The worst part is that when I was put in there, some dude said, "hey man, what's going on Vance".
You meet the nicest people in the BAT mobil. The version of this truck that I was in was a Ford Econoline BAT in the early 80's. I found that when I had gone to court, my brother had used my name on an earlier offense and I was being twice charged. I love my family.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Let the sun shine.....

Rick, (middle with headband on) worked one summer in Albuquerque's Little Theaters summer stock series. Moving aimlessly from job to job, Rick tried his hand at theater.
Rick: "It was o.k., but the dudes smelled funny and the chicks didn't shave their pits." Never a quitter, Rick pushed forward with his freestyle dancing skills.
Everything was going along great until one night, back stage, Rick sparked a doobie and caught all the macrame belts and plant hangers on fire and burnt down the play house.
Fire Marshall: "This Rick character, he seems to be in another world. When the fire started, he hauled ass to the Frontier restaurant and bought a Cinnamon bun."

Wild Kingdom my ass......

Marlin Perkins had a show on television for years called, 'Mutual of Omahas- Wild Kingdom'. Week after week Marlin and his faithful assistant Jim would bring the wild life from around the world into your home, safe in Nebraska, miles from danger. Marlin would send Jim in to tackle a tiger or water buffalo while Marlin filmed from about half a mile away. This episode (shown above) got Marlin and Jim taken off the air when, without warning, Marlin pulled out his HUGE penis that he had tattooed like an iguana. Ouch!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010

We're so lame, it hurts

OK. I've not created links and such yet, but we are now on facebook and twitter. Become a freakin' fan.

Rick's new ink.

I'm probably one of the few people inn the history of the world who got a tattoo at the mall after a movie because he was killing time until he was hungry. But, that's how I roll.



Yeah, it's brown. I wanted it to kind of look like a birthmark. Plus I hate the look of black ink when it fades.

Also, yeah, that's the side of my nose... no. wait. My arm. Yeah. that's it.

The missus got a new tatt right after me. A hundred bucks for the two.

This is genius

WARNING: I use the word 'cootch' in the following post. I also say FOX News, Glenn Beck, and equate Sean Hannity with a feminine hygiene product..Small children should leave the room

I'm tired of seeing books like this shit from Sean Hannity or, especially, Glenn Beck. It's bad enough they are on the airwaves (or whatever it is we have now with HD TV and Radio.) I guess they think that if they write a book it will make them seem literate and smart. I'm going to try this at my local Smith's grocery. This is pure friggin' genius! The only problem is that, though the FOX news pundits are all douches, they won't leave your cootch feeling cool as a summer's eve. Oh, and if you are a conservative, feel free to do this with a book by whoever it is you guys are hating this week.

Jobs we have today...

This is Columbia Heights in the Nations Capitol. A massive renuvation is underway and the 'plaza' is just about finished. The little squares in the sky are solar panels that will gather enough energy to light up the plaza at night.
The trees are 'Galaxy' saucer magnolias.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

If you come to New Mexico

...you may want to brush up on the language. (Remember, we are a foreign country!)Here is a list of words you only think you are familiar with, followed by the word used in a phrase.

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

Screwin' the Pooch

I'm not sure if that expression is related to Greyhound Bus Lines or not, but I did my share of riding Greyhound buses back in the late 70s. I'd hop a bus at Ft. Lewis, headed south through "Olympia, Centralia, Chehalis, and all points south." South usually took me through Tonopah and the Mojave desert before I got to Albuquerque. It took me about 30 hours of continuous riding. I think. Maybe that was when it was snowing. But you would smoke on the bus. Smoke, read, sleep, stare out the window at the scenery, take a leak, hit on chicks. Sometimes all of that at the same time. When the bus would get stuck in the mud, all the men would get off and push it out. If we had to ford a river or some such thing, why we'd all strip down to our skivvies, and tote that sumbitch across on our backs! Why, I recollect one time, just outside of Salt Lake City, we had a blow out on the left front tire. We all took turns running along side the bus, holding that axle up, listening for the driver's shouts of "Left! Turn left you bastards!" and "Right! Goddamn it your 'military right!' you hopeless dogs!" 'Course, we were a helluva lot tougher then. I ain't shittin' ya, neither!

Arriving in Albuquerque -- often with no notice to anyone, I'd call Vance from the Bus Depot downtown to come and get me. But, of course, that was assuming he was at home and not working somewhere or off with Virginia doin' whatever it was those crazy kids did then. See, kids, back in those days, we didn't carry our phones in our pockets. And even if we could have fit them in there, there was a cord attached that limited range. When I did reach him, though, we'd grab a six-pack of Olympia and cruise around in the heat, smokin' dope and suckin; down oat-sodas.

Daughters, ya gotta be kiddin' me....

You know, when your child is an 2 and 3 years old, you are amazed at their antics. When they are 22 years old, you just cringe and hope for the best. Perhaps I was not the best role model for my daughter, I mean come on now, I'm 52 and have a blog about stupid and weird stuff and nothing about raising healthy children. But hey, I made my mistakes and had to deal with each one and push through like everyone else. I think Rodney Dangerfield's limo driver put it best in the movie "Back to School".
"Hey, your dad loves you, but he's tough, ya know, like me. Me, I put one kid through college and the other kid I put through the kitchen wall." My kid reminds me of me sometimes but I just don't know where she's coming from. She is making her own life tough for herself. She is out in the world on her own and has both oars out of the water, drifting aimlessly. I hope she gets her act together before too long.
Happy Easter kiddo, call me sometime.